The onus is absolutely on me during Shredpocalypse II to nail the following:

  1. Make sure all this years posts aren’t the same as last years
  2. Make sure that riding the same trails each day doesn’t sound like the day before (even when it generally is)

With the characters on hand though, I am fairly confident that I will be able to pull that off… Assuming of course that we finally actually get the gang back together! Yes, at the end of day 1 as I pound away loudly on my Macbook, Herr Doktor is STILL in transit on his 54 HOUR DOOR TO DOOR fuck your face in travel from Perth to Whistler. Whilst we have some beers in the fridge for him, we have no real idea what state he will be in upon arrival… Especially given the last leg was on China Airways, which is a vague upgrade on rowing here.

Mean while, actually in Whistler and not being fisted in Asian airports, it was the usual casual start to the day, except with the added contradiction of watching Le Tour and Nibbles nailing more time into the field to lock down yellow. There are worse things to do whilst waiting for the lifts to open, even if it does feel like reading a newspaper in a strip club (or so I’m told):


Covering the full spectrum…

With the weather looking marginal to kick off with, we instantly fell into the trap of perhaps the easiest thing to do in Whistler: The bike shop crawl… Rammed into a small space you have some of the most well equipped shops you’re likely to find anywhere in the world, all of them knowing that they have a captive market ready to make emotional purchases. The strongest emotion? Fear… Hence I was unable to walk past the armour section without acquiring some additional protection:


I am all set if I finally get that long awaited call up to join a SWAT team

Yes, we were indulging in epic faffing that would have earned us a slapping from the Dok if he were present. But, with him in Taipei arguing with droid cunts attempting to charge him more excess baggage costs, we sauntered around town drinking coffee, buying stuff we sort of needed and building up to the inevitable debut on the mountain.. Soon it was time… FIRST UPLIFT:


“Fucken clouds and shit”

Yes, day one is VERY simple on these trips, especially when there has been an absence of Mountain Biking:

You have everything to lose and nothing to gain

Meaning, its super easy to lose your shit and be ‘that guy’ that gets to sit around at the bottom of the chairlift waving a hand wrapped in a cast to your homeboys as they finish runs, taking their lunch order and generally being the gimp. To be avoided.

So, the opening part of the day was spent on trails we generally wouldn’t want to be seen on, slowly building the all important MOJO levels to where they need to be before shit gets real. This includes reintroducing the hands to the general punishment that DH trips dish out, a stark contrast to the type of pain one may experience in the Japanese Alps with little people, but a challenge never the less.

A morning of losing your Whistler virginity (not me) and generally trying to figure out where your form is (me) is hungry work, so it was time for a healthy lunch to keep our DH athlete bodies in peak physical form:


“Fucken Chips… With fucken sauce too”

I know what you’re thinking… “These fuckers just shop, drink coffee and eat shit food…“, yes, thats hard to defend against, BUT, there was also some laps being shredded and thanks to some creative selfie action, we managed to snare a shot of us heading into the Heart of Darkness (actual trail name, not a bad Disney movie):


Despite my best attempts, I wasn’t able to get through quick enough to avoid the purple handlebar in my shot…

Not long after the much needed lunch break, we simultaneously took the meaning of the term “Scared shitless” to a new level… Yes, there were some freaky moments on day one and whilst I will spare you the details, the afternoon was spent racing each other to the singular mountain bathroom. #dirtytip – When you have a whole shitload of DH gear on, it takes an awful amount of time to get a shitload out…


“Fucken guts is crook as fuck”

We’re yet to trace the source of the contagion, but suffice to say it added an interesting element to wanting to finish a run (fucking NO pun intended), perhaps why I oddly managed some PR’s on day one. Still, even though it was a bit shitty (ho fucking ho ho), Whistler was turning on its usual charms and being back in the mountains was awesome as expected:


“Look at that view Matt… Matt? Matt?”

The day one memo at Whistler has at the top “Don’t fucking crash“, unfortunately Nails didn’t get that memo and as we were doing a recon of Blueseum, he popped his cherry with an over the bars moment that inevitably saw him land on the only spots that weren’t well covered in armour, as that fucked up Murphy’s Law action usually provides for:


“Got fucken dirt on me top…”

With 9 laps in the bank on day one, MOJO being impacted by the first decent stack and our form literally disappearing out our asses, it was clearly time to lock day one away and head back to Dirty HQ to eat plain toast.

Have to say – Crash and some other shit aside, this was an excellent first day… Probably the best I have had here (not hard given the first time I was here I thought I had broken my arm on day 1) and a BIG part of that has to go to the Dirty Demo. Yes, being on a REAL DH bike is the way to go (duh) and like an ambitious intern it was making me do things I didn’t want to do… It absolutely rails the turns and berms and had me clearing jumps on day 1 that are usually day 3 action, so stand back as I foam at the mouth over the next week about how good this bike really is. It was also a day of constant tweaking and refining, from forks to cleats to set up in order to maximise the radness over the next week.

Mad respect to Matt as well, first time on the legendary V10 on his first time at Whistler and he was straight into it, showing off his Moto pedigree with aplomb. Small set back on the crash, but he’s ready to kill it on day 2.

And now, to the daily essentials:

1. Trail of the day – ‘Crank it up’. Its running super sweet, still the best place to get the jumping mojo going and with the morning rain the surface was hero making. “I fucken love it” was Matt’s way of summing it up.

2. Gear of the day – DEMO (default award) and the 661 elbow guards… Goodbye shit fox armour, hello awesome 661 guards. These things hardly feel like they are there. Also filled with some fancy science material which hardens up upon impact (Yeah, we’ve all said that before)

3. “What did the Dok say” (sing it) – With the Dok still in transit hell, all I can quote him on today is “fuck” x 20 and “cunt” x 38, both referring to airlines and airports, or people that work for both. Fair enough as well.

4. The Wolf void – To make sure no one misses out, in this daily essential we hypothesis what it would have looked like today if Das Wolf had joined his gravity brothers:


“Hold my bike for a sec wolf… Wolf?…. Wolf?”

And tomorrow, there will be THREE… Yes, Dok’s arrival will define day two in Shred HQ, so watch this space as science joins our side and our language goes downhill faster than our bikes.

Leave a Reply

Your email address will not be published.