Another MTB guest report in DA house! Well, sort of… I have been provided with some pics and using my misguided Dirty powers of deduction and perception, I will again fill in the blanks. As such, a massive disclaimer as to the validity of this post aside from the race result. Fraser did provide me with a massive literary diarrhoea download of his race, but for this readership I think its waaay better if I just make shit up.
And its another MTB race! Whilst Wolf was getting fierce on it at Singapore Downhill HQ, the remaining Cannasia MTB Boyz (Lars, Fraser, Snozza, Erdem and Cas) headed out on Sunday in convoy from Singapore and North of the causeway into everybody’s favourite shit hole of Malaysia, where they ran absolute riot at the latest mass start 1500 rider (no shit) event held in the badlands. How do you know you’re in Malaysia? Well, this ought to confirm it:
“What the fuck LAH?! You said OK! My Polygon is crushed!”
Its been a while since we’ve had a chance to dish out a famous ‘C*nt of the day award’, but this gentleman took the points lead right from the gun. Super effort.
As you can imagine, with such an orgy of a start amongst a massive turn out, it takes some special tactics to get a front row starting position. Some like to turn up 4 hours early, set up their shit heap bike on the start line, bust out the boom box and smokes and hit the ganga while they wait it out. However, Fraser had a much better plan – “Fuck that” he exclaimed! He rocked up and using his exceptionally metrosexual Assos sunglasses (I am being kind – Everyone knows its Oakley or death) and striking similarities, convinced the locals that he was actually Bill Nighy and as such, being a celebrity should be allowed in near the front. Actual footage of him sneaking in the back door (again):
Didn’t take long to get our first V is for VAG sign then did it?
Whilst most of the locals marvelled at such a superstar appearance, not all were fooled and booing ensued forthwith… But Fraser/Bill didn’t care, he was already getting into the dark place he loves to go to, fixating on one particular council worker clad competitor that sounds suspiciously like he does – Like a cat that fights its own shadow, thats right Laddie! The fact that he wasn’t in attendance would have done little to calm Bill. As you can see, getting a good spot in the mosh pit/start area was key to not having a cock of a day:
A case study in how to spread SARS
Yes, buried balls deep down the back somewhere were the rest of the team, Snozza, Cas, Erdem and Lars preparing for the running of the lemmings. Hopefully no one would push the pace from the start right? Well, wanting to ensure he had a chance in the ‘C*nt of the day’ award (Its never over until the Dirty Nomad sings), Mr Nighy went full gas off the front, whilst his team mates were swallowed into Sarlac Pit like traffic to be slowly digested over 1000 years by 1500 feral Malaysians… Yip, sing it with me: Truly Asia…
“There’s more than one uncle that can attack his team mates! FREEDOM!!!!”
As you can expect deep in the bowels of Malaysia Truly Asia, sometimes it can get confusing and it turns out that it was actually a road race, a tad awkward when you’ve rocked up with your unparalleled Cannondale XC weapon:
Bill still storming on the front… Its starting to thin out…
Still, there was no shortage of fodder for this road… Er… Mountain bike race:
Watch it all turn to custard at the first sign of dirt…
Eventually of course it has to start being a mountain bike race… So, what’s the definition of RAMMED? Well, it would appear that this may qualify as a good display:
Exhibit A on why a good start is key in Malaysian MTB races – Its a walkathon…
Snozza decided at this point that he was a bit over being rammed by gimps, so did what any hard core MTBer tends to do, fuck off solo up the road, treating this mofo like a TT:
Riding it like he really does hate it
How’s the intensity? Check out the close up, now there’s a race face I haven’t seen since… Since… What was that Welsh lads name again?
I… Want… More…. PAIN…
Its not a one man show though, and whilst Bill/Fraser was busy sowing the seeds of an eating disorder as he looked longingly at the svelte chassis of the Malaysian XC whippets around him, the rest of the boys were grinding through the killing fields:
Cas reminding his Cannondale Flash who’s BOSS
As many of you will agree, starting from behind you really have to put the hammer down and go full gas, Lars agrees:
With V2 rocket like speed, even the photographer was under the pump
Finally Erdem was busted using his uncle support tactic, which appears to have gone horribly wrong when he misheard Erdem, who had asked “Is there any more grass?“, which roughly translated into “I need a thumb up my ass”, uncle obliged:
“Are you using both thumbs uncle?”
Concerning to say the least and highlights the importance of good communication…
Eventually Snozza got lonely out front, so put the call out to Motoman to come and keep him company… Proving he doesn’t play well with others, Snozz then put the hammer down and dropped Motoman quicker than an English batsman can get on the first BA flight home:
“Eat shit Motoman”… Mmmmm… Look at that front tire, Malaysia’s finest caked on
Whilst Bill/Fraser was busy memorising every trail indentation for his race report, Snozza ploughed on to victory in the Open grade and that awesomely awkward podium celebration that is the speciality of Asian races:
True to form – Spot the fucker pulling the peace sign on the right…
So how did the Famous Five end up? Well, quite an impressive display of power:
- Snozza – 1st Open… BOOM, another win. Fuck its good watching him rack up wins and podiums from the comfort of the couch
- Fraser/Bill Nighy – 1st Veteran and 10th overall. Greatly aided it appears by this new invention called ‘Full Suspension’
- Lars – 5th Open after getting a tiki tour from one of the locals down a rabbit hole somewhere
- Erdem – 20th Open and a semi happy ending
- Cas – 32nd Open
Getting business done – Any day you can come home from a race in Malaysia with your chain still on your bike, a cheap trophy and avoid some Monitor Lizard sodomy can be considered a good day, so well done chaps, excellent effort.
In addition – Mountain bikers now have an unassailable lead of 5-1 over the roadies in the guest post stakes, which indicates either Roadies don’t own smart phones or don’t read this far down the post…
Leave a Reply