WOAH… Here we go… Yip, back on the road and for the first time in a long time, its not an MTB being packed into the bike bag, its an MF road bike! Yes, finally, something for the Road orientated audience – I hope the 3 of you enjoy the next few days! Not only is it a road trip (awkward pun), but its even something more full on than that:

A stage race!

Yikes… When was the last time there was a stage race going down I hear you muse? Hmmm… About a year ago? There was the Vets tour in Jan of course, but nothing up the way of the Global hub since Bintan last year. Indeed, I haven’t had to put myself into miserable pain and suffering mode in a major race since that epic day at Batam, so this weekend will be interesting!

Yes, off to the Philippines on Thursday to take on the Tour of Matabungkay for the very first time. I’ve heard a lot about this one over the years, but have never tackled it, so a first time mission. I am also massively over turning up to Tour OF Bintan and complaining again that “fuck, I wish we had done some build up races” after suffering through the first day. So, to pre-position some massive ass covering excuses, I am taking a ‘Training Camp’ approach to the weekend, given its 400km’s of racing in 3 days, and, especially after what happened on Tuesday.

Yes, here’s a massive McFuckme upsized Combo of irony – After months getting loose as fuck in Whistler, France and Perth, I finally come unstuck whilst road riding on the smoothest surface on the planet, go figure right? Sure, I took a rather idiotic line into a round about, but I’m still trying to figure out if I rolled the tub off the rear rim before or after the accident? Either way, things don’t look so new any more:


Not too bad… Given my furry hot pant thigh took the brunt…

Yeah, less than ideal a few days before the hardest event you’ve done in over 12 months, but it was almost tempting fate taking the Enve race wheels out I guess! Right then, on to the race itself! What’s in store over the coming 3 days. It breaks down like this:

Day one

Stage 1 – 40km TT: Yeah… Astute readers may recall that I lick dog shit when it comes to TT’s, whilst things have improved slightly of late, I have never tackled a 40km TT, even a stand alone one, let alone in a stage race! Also ‘glad’ I left all my TT equipment at home… Will be as aero as a turd with an upturned stem. Given these ingredients, this should be interesting, by ‘interesting’ I mean fucking wretched. Check it:


Suspect a conservative approach will be in order

Day one not over? Noooooo… There is MORE! May as well make use of the free afternoon right?

Stage 2 – 88km road stage: Ok, so looks a little bit lumpy and I only have Goat Intel to go off, which indicates that this one will be a bit cunty, fast and probably ballistic on those little climbs. Yay:


Goat intel summaries the first road stage as ‘cunty’, lets see if he’s correct

Day two

Only one stage today, oh good news… Until we look at the profile… Hmmmm, has all the appearance of being a Queen, I can tell you right now my priority will be getting over that 4.93km climb at around the 45km mark, to avoid a 100km solo spin to the finish. Laugh it up fuzz balls, but climbing form is so bad right now that this actually presents a clear and present danger! I will deal with the 16km climb later…


The map is confusing, I can’t seem to locate the chairlift upload stations, not marked?

Day three

Assuming I still want to ride my bike on Sunday (my hip currently votes against that), then its a mere 130km trot to finish things off. Appropriately, its rather phallic in nature – Possibly a sign of things to come on that 20km climb:


Is that the prospect of an 80km solo spin home looming large?

See why I am referring to it as a ‘Training camp’? Classic card to play this one, I learning it from some Tri geeks, when going massively out the ass, simply sit up and tell anyone left that “Its cool, this is just a B race for me, my A race is in a few weeks“. Then, hope like fuck they’re not around at the next race if you take a reaming… Bank it.

Joining me on this on this tropical suffering escapade? The only animal in the Zoo that wanted to have 3 days of being thrashed around like he was at an underground German rave (starting at 4.30am ironically), that’s right, the man that can NEVER get enough training in: The Goat. You may remember him from such adventures as the worlds weirdest training camp, or the Bintan Self Felate contest, or even that old gag of “I can get more punctures than anyone on a training ride“:


Never, ever, ever help when you can take photos and point

So, how will racing 400km’s in 3 days go with marginal prep? Will I cramp up at the first sign of a climb? How does a team of two in mismatched kit take on 70 starters in Elite? How many solo KM’s will I end up doing and how many times will I have to explain to Goat the difference between ‘Your’ and ‘You’re’? Its a fucking tsunami of engaging questions that beg to have decent answers provided, so stay tuned over the weekend!

Leave a Reply

Your email address will not be published.