Mission Briefing – #R14QT

WTF… A mission briefing with a weird cryptic hashtag come acronym?! This had better be worth its while. Well, fuck yes it is… If you’re a dedicated reader and have become pained by the weird cryptic messages that I have dribbled flaccidly through posts over the last few weeks, the wait is finally over and the big reveal is here.

So – Wasssssssssssup?!

Well, its almost a year to the day since one of the best weeks of MTB action EVER, that’s right, the Trans Provence Tour, which not only sowed the seeds for the whole Dirty Nomad caper, but also threw up some of the most excellent times ever on a two wheeled trip:

I honestly can’t remember the name of this little place we stopped in at for a beer…

How do you celebrate the anniversary of such an event? Simple really… Fucking have another one! Hmmm…. Where to go though? Tricky right? Its still winter north of here… So whats the plan. Simple – Hit this shit:

Wait… Haven’t we seen this recently?!

That’s right… Its back on the road and back to Queenstown! Hang the fuck on I hear you stammer, possibly in step with an involuntary loss of control to your anatomy… How can this be? Back again so soon?! But what about the rule of only going to new places?! Well… To offset this, there are two big changes for this trip:

1. Its the debut of the Dirty Demo… Oh yes, we’re going FULL DH on this trip!
2. I’m heading to qTown with the Gravity Brothers for a full tour and reunion shred.

And such, the TP Reunion 2014 in Queenstown is on. Yes, stand back as we Instagram the fuck out of the place over the next week. Its time to have a closer look at the motherfuckers joining me on this adventure. They both need no real introduction, but here goes anyway:

Rider profile – Herr Doktor

“What’s the difference between Marmalade and Jam?”

The Dok is taking the loooooong way around the world to get to qTown, stopping off prior in Colombia to tell cunts how science rolls and say ‘Si’ a LOT (essentially fluent in Spanish).

The low down:

• Specialities – Science, Like, all of it, Sweating through singlets, busting up wheel sucking commuters, shredding the fuck out of pea gravel, tweaking suspension, DIY maintenance and has every movie script ever written memorised. Possibly an alien
• Not so fond of – Lifts, marketing cunts, 27.5, faffing and XC nerds
• Do say – “I reckon you can overhaul that at home Dok” or “Let’s just devote the morning session to tweaking suspension”
• Don’t say – “Who’s kids shoes are these?” or “You don’t have the Ohlins shock?”
• Greatest achievements – Helped Peter Denk invent the Jekyll, rebuilt all his forks at home with a pocket knife and becoming the DN Affiliate for Perth
• DN Job Description – Science officer, also able to read a geometry chart with his eyes closed
• Bike being deployed – Specialized Demo 8

Rider profile – Das Wolf

“If I hide in the laundry to take this helmet selfie no one will ever know… Better not send it to DN”

A man that needs little introduction and the resident equipment procurement expert, we’ve enticed the wolf out of the Night Safari and into the wild for some shredding action. Recently seen debuting the new Santa Cruz Bronson, next week will be an interesting experience as he pits a trail bike against the Demo  spit roast double penetration duo.

The low down:

• Specialities – Procurement, early adopting, creating fever, use of the C-Bomb and is also basically the cycling version of Neo when it comes to the internet; he’s literally transcended to become one with all cycling websites
• Not so fond of – Keeping a bike for more than 6 days/weeks/months, meetings, cycling clubs, Fat bikes and white forks
• Do say – “That matches perfectly” or “I’ve never seen that bike/part/piece of kit before”
• Don’t say – “Is Downhill Portage a real term?” or “Sure its fine to bring a 29er” or “I didn’t believe you guys”
• Greatest achievements – Invented the ‘Wrong colour’ gag and 2012 Sports XC National Champion. Also wrecked two bikes on TP, impressive as one was a tank
• DN Job Description – Helpdesk manager and Procurement Officer
• Bike being deployed – Santa Cruz Bronson 27.5 devil bike

Astute readers will recall that Das Wolf doesn’t travel so well and last time had a penchant for spontaneously tapping out like a motherfucker, as outlined by this DN Montage from our private collection:

“Did you take a photo of me sleeping cunt?!”

If Wolf can stay awake long enough, hopefully there will be a bit more of this action going down, except we won’t be able to order it as a Royale With Cheese of course:

The best tasting Mcfuck my face ever in the history of burgers

But mainly, we are heading down to the Southern Hemisphere version of Whistler for this sort of action and good times:

“Make the giant stand down the hill, so we don’t look like midgets in another photo”

So, stay tuned over the next week when DN will finally be back on the scene with another trip, some more shredding action and riveting updates, just like this:

“Fuck… its in here somewhere… “